XV - PLAY

People in every culture play. We think of play as activity not necessary for survival. Yet if nearly everyone plays, it must be important. What is playing and why does it matter?

We play games and sports, we go to plays put on by players, we play music, we play recordings, we play with toys, and we engage in many other activities that are not obviously productive that we classify as play. What unifying characteristics do all these forms of play have that might help us understand what play is and what it does?

First, they all involve action. We think of play as involving physical action, but mental action is also involved, sometimes exclusively. Daydreaming is a form of mental play, as is fantasizing, and one can play with ideas.

But everything we do involves action. Play involves a simpler reality. The play on stage is just that. Actors, the players, consciously behave as characters in a world created for the purpose of presenting a particular story in a simplified reality.

Similarly, music creates its own simplified story reality. See the chapter on music for further explanation.

If we play baseball, we create a reality defined and given meaning by the rules of baseball, the spirit of competition, and the skills, action and luck that accompany dominance in the sport. The world of baseball is less than the larger reality. There is a limited range of productive actions and we know who won and who lost. So it is also with chess or canasta.

We are not there yet. Play is not just action in a simplified reality. A car salesman works in a simplified reality. His job is to sell cars. He does not have to repair them. The mechanics do that. He also does not have to sell anything else. No one asks him to sell tomatoes. But he may sell a few lemons.

So it is with all of us. Whatever we choose to do, we live in a simplified reality. We all live within myth and the larger reality exceeds any possible myth.

Play stands apart in the intent with which the new reality is created. Play creates a world for its own sake. Outscoring your opponent will not in itself feed you or clothe you. By the ideals of good sportsmanship, the dominance won on the playing field is left on the playing field and not carried over into daily life.

Does this mean that play is trivial or meaningless? No. Playing gives moral demonstrations we find meaningful and relevant to our lives. If they were not, play would hold no interest for us. Good sportsmanship leaves the dominance on the playing field but not the morals demonstrated there.

Play occupies a space between the stories we tell and the myths we live. Normal life is often of ambiguous or contradictory moral demonstration. The stories we tell resemble life but clean up the action so the moral demonstrations are apparent. We structure play to create a more storylike situation with morally ambiguous actions removed where we can be characters with moral packages limited to the needs of a particular plot that appeals to us. We play to experience for ourselves clear demonstrations of morals we favor, by way of an engaging story we participate in.

And all this time you thought we played in order to have a good time. Indeed we do, but what makes the time good? The unambiguous demonstration of morals we favor and the consequent exciting and satisfying confirmation and progression of our myths. What could be more fun?

In play we can try out new roles and actions giving us demonstrations in new moral territory. All of us, but especially children, continually need to develop new mythic material or refine what we already have. We need a relatively secure way to do our moral experiments and explorations. We do this by trying out new roles and actions.

Play is often morally cast to give us the psychological environment we need to safely stretch the myth. If someone criticizes another for behaving outside the expected role in the group myth, a common defense is “I was only playing,” meaning “My character is not really like that.” I was acting within an artificial play reality, not the larger reality, so what I did there does not count. It was only a tentative role, just a mythic experiment, not an expression of what my myth really is about, not a true expression of my moral package, so do not take my action as a demonstration of who I am, but rather as an anomalous, meaningless event. We understand that play is not to be taken seriously, that play is of a harmless, trivial nature, not a real threat to anyone.

There is a general assumption that work is important and play is not. Yet we all play. You can be sure that anything we all do is important. “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” Why is Jack dull? Because he has a limited myth. Play makes available to us a larger, more complete myth.

Games
In myth, a central position is held by the concept of dominance. We want it, we are not sure we have it or can keep it, and we are anxious about being dominated by others. The complexity of life can make for dominance relationships that are unclear or even apparently contradictory, as in the case of two people who do not realize that each dominates the other.

If only life were more ordered and straightforward, we could get some relief from the eternal uncertainty of dominance. In play we can arrange that structured world where dominance is made clear. We can agree on a hypothetical limited world in which only a very small range of action is possible. In that world we can then establish clear and unequivocal standards of dominance. The one who prevails is understood to be dominant. All the people involved will try to prevail, but commonly only one person or group will succeed. It is a structured dominance contest. Have you ever been involved in one of these? You know them as games.

Every culture has games. They may be primarily mental or they may emphasize the physical. The games may be pure tests of skill or involve varying degrees of luck. The game may pit the players against each other, as in gin rummy, or against an obstacle, as in mountain climbing or solitaire. Some games are very simple. Who can run from here to there fastest? Others are more complicated. Do you know all the rules of baseball?

Games come in a bewildering variety. No one could possibly list every game people play. Yet all games follow the same basic format. The players enter into roles in a story bounded by the structure of the game, the rules. The rules may be very specific, as in golf, or the rules can be slack or even evolve as the game progresses, as in spontaneously improvised games. But every game will favor demonstrations of a particular moral package. The rules of the game will be such that as a player tries for dominance, his best strategy will be actions yielding demonstration of the moral package inherent in the game. An important moral of chess is that the future is predictable and one should fully consider the consequences of any contemplated move. The game forces demonstration of this moral; the player whose actions best exemplify the morals of the game usually wins, achieving the desired dominance. Other games teach other lessons. Play football and you will learn the value of strength, speed, and teamwork.

Games are a way of structuring action to favor particular moral demonstrations. Play the game and the morals demonstrated make sense within the game. Play the game repeatedly and you will integrate the morals into your myth. The morals of the game need to have some common ground with those of your myth or they will not feel right and you will not enjoy the game. If questions of physical dominance are not important in your myth, you probably don’t like boxing. The games you like reveal much about your myth and who you are.

A game is a form of story. The rules of the game limit the action to that which makes the moral demonstrations clear, much as in a well-told story. Playing games is an efficient way to integrate and reinforce morals, just as the stories we tell serve the same purpose.

For a group to survive, the group must get its members to include the group myth’s morals in the members’ moral packages. Among other techniques such as telling stories and coercing behavior, groups use games to do this. The game used will be tailored to the needs of the group myth. Groups encourage games that support their morals and frown on games that ignore or contradict those morals. America loves football but the Church disapproves of Spin the Bottle.

Besides the joy of favored moral demonstration, games are also fun because by their being cleaned-up action, we get concentrated mythic progression in a structured, preexisting, pretested package we do not have to create. In addition, games provide a structured common ground that makes it easy for people to come together and join in play.

Parties
But games are not the only way people play together. A common form of group play is the party. So let us take a look at parties, what they are and what they do, and what to do about them.

A party is a social event in which people mix and mingle while pursuing entertainment, play, refreshments, recreational drug use, celebration, conversation, and/or each other. This sounds like fun; parties are supposed to be a good time. The best ones are magically so. However, the worst are dreadful and nearly all parties create some level of anxiety for those present.

There are many different types of parties, but they share common characteristics. A group of people come together as an event in itself. There will be some activity in common, even if only partaking of refreshments. Usually there are one or more hosts in charge and preparation for the event was made. Unless the party is spontaneous, there was publicity to draw attendance, whether through public announcement, private invitation, word of mouth, or other means. Parties are primarily about social interaction rather than the accomplishment of practical tasks. Sometimes work gets done, but usually parties are seen as time off from one’s labors, which are understood to be laborious. Come on, quit working, let’s have a good time, let’s have fun, let’s party!

That sounds wonderful. Now, what do we want from the party? We want to enter into a time of idealized existence and tribal connection. At a party we want to escape our normal limitations and for a while become who we would like to be and be accepted as such. The party can give us mythic, emotional, tribal connection to a larger group that can make us feel enhanced. We want the painful, burdensome routine of everyday life to go away for a while.

In its place, the party holds out the promise of a better reality where at last you can be alpha and your myth will be rewarding. At the party, you will meet new people, new characters for your myth. You can be the person, play the part, you have dreamed of. Now friendship, popularity, alpha, carefree delight, love, sex, mental stimulation, play, food, companionship, empathy and understanding will all be available in abundance.

Going to Parties
That is the promise. Why is it so hard to collect on? The problem is with both the partygoer and the party. First, the partygoer. To have the transformative experience you hope for, you need to be willing and able to change. Many people depend on alcohol or other drugs to ease this transition and would be lost without them. “What kind of party is this? Where’s the booze?” The drugs are not necessary, but they do help many people get past the pain and fear that hold them in place. More mental freedom and/or nerve will also do the job.

Another way to do well is to pick the right party. A party is a group of people and like all groups, every party has a myth, which determines what the party is like. The party myth will be determined by the people present, the setting, the time and date, information given in the invitation, and the actions of the hosts and other alphas present.

The easiest parties to enjoy are those whose guests are people you already know and like and have partied and played with before. The mythic relationships are established; you can pick up where you left off and find your place in the party myth. More difficult is the party where you don’t know anyone there. The easiest course of action is to suffer through it and go home without having met anyone at the party, let alone enjoying any new friendships. That is easy, but no fun. If you are a stranger at a party, the gathering will probably be one of two types. Either nearly everyone else knows each other, or else it is a party of strangers.

If you are one of the few strangers in a crowd of friends, watch and listen a while. What is the group myth? What is the party myth? If the party is going to succeed, it must work with some aspect of the group myth. What can you add to those myths that is new to them yet still inside their moral boundaries? You must have something in common between your myth and theirs. What is it? What are the defining qualities of the group of people who were invited? What was the appeal of the invitation? What is the myth of the group or individual who is host? What are people doing? How are they dressed? What can you tell about what kind of people were expected to show up, given the time, location, decor, refreshments, music, activities, and any other attributes of the party?

This preexisting group wants new mythic material, but it does not want its myth hijacked by an outsider, and you can be sure the alphas in the group are not ready to give up their position to you. So start slowly, contribute a little, check the group’s reaction to you and learn from it and proceed further. If you do this skillfully, the group will decide you are their kind and will welcome you and be glad you are there. So will you.

If no one at the party knows each other, the problem is different. There is probably some mythic overlap among those present, but not as strong as among friends. Still, why are all of you at this party when most people are not? You may do better by focusing on individual myth. How can you know the myth of a complete stranger? The answer is that everything about us is an expression of myth. If you want to meet people with a myth like your own, people like yourself, look for people who dress, eat, sit, walk, talk and generally behave the way you do. People with other myths will be different. Figure out what their myths are and approach them in terms of their myth.

If you are having trouble getting started with people, focus your efforts on those in greatest mythic shortage, the bored, the shy, the passive. Work the wallflowers, the people around the edge of the room who are alone in the crowd. Among the wallflowers you will often find the most interesting people, those with more fully developed personal myth and less of the wholly integrated group myth typical of the party animals. As you get to know people you will find some you can have a good time with.

Another way to meet people is to get there when the party starts. You may be the first one to arrive. Good. You can meet the host, which may be difficult later. The host has a chance to discover what an interesting, charming person you are and will be more apt to introduce you around.

As people show up, if you are one of the few people there, they will be more open to mythic involvement with you because you have less competition. Be patient, but be there.

Take action at the party. Action is alpha. If there are games, play. Don’t just watch. If there is dancing, dance. If the host needs a volunteer, accept, if it will not take you away from the party. Action will get you into the group myth the party is creating, which is where you want to be. Through the enactment of the party’s myth, a sense of tribal connection will form between the guests.

The Three Phases of a Party
Parties have a natural three phase progression. They start quietly, build to a noisy, energetic high, and then mellow out and get quiet again. This arc of the party follows the changing relationships the participants share with each other and with the tribe. People come to the party in their personal myths looking for something larger. As the guests arrive, the party myth starts slowly as people find and establish their roles in it. Many people are shy and hesitant at first due to their insecurity about how and where to fit in. Party activities to help them do so, commonly known as “icebreakers”, are useful here. Most people need some help in merging into the party myth.

As they become involved with the party, they will feel accepted, that they belong there, and confident that what they say and do will be harmonious with the momentum of the situation. The party should draw people in willingly by the fun they see ahead so that soon everyone is enjoying doing something with the other people instead of sinking into isolation as a painful wallflower, apart from the party myth.

If the party is any kind of success, the guests will soon be moving along with the party myth in the second phase of the party. They will have a tribal connection with each other by all being part of a shared story line. The guests will get excited and have fun as the various morals of the party myth, morals idealized by the guests, are demonstrated. Phase two is easy to spot. The party is at its most active and noisy.

After the main moral demonstrations of the party myth occur, a dramatic space opens up in the party myth for a change in direction of mythic progression and the party enters its third phase. At this point the tribal connection between the partygoers is established and understood. On the basis of this secure connection people open up and reach out to each other as fellow tribal members to play parts in each other’s individual myths. The needs of personal myth for new characters and material draw people away from the party myth roles. If your goal at the party is to make new friends, don’t leave too soon. The party becomes quiet again but a different kind of quiet than in phase one. The quiet of the first phase is stiff and alienated. The quiet of the third phase is calm, relaxed, mellow, and connected.

After whatever connection between individuals that is going to happen has happened, the party will gradually break up and disperse. If the party has a schedule, that can force a breakup before its natural occurrence. A schedule can also affect how fast people move through the three phases.

Giving Parties
If you are the host, your problems are different from those of the guest. You are responsible for the overall success of the party. Will the party make, reaching the tribal connection, or will it fail? It is usually not enough to clean up the place, put some food and drink out and let the party fend for itself.

The party needs its myth and it is the job of the host to make sure it happens. Without a myth, the party will never leave phase one and the evening will be stiff and dull. What can the host do to make sure the myth happens?

What can be done is limited only by the awareness, understanding, imagination, efforts, and resources of the host and any helpers available. The host needs to be aware of the party myth and create a situation in which it will flourish. The setting is a stage for the enactment of the myth. Decorations are not just for show, but bring forth desired behaviors. So does the right lighting. Similarly, the type of food provided will affect what people do even when they are not eating. Music is a powerful mythic source; it should be chosen with care. When you work out your guest list, think about how the various people will interact together and make your selection accordingly.

As host, you are alpha at the party. The chance to be alpha is a major reason people go to the trouble of giving parties. As such, what you do, when you do it, what you wear, what you say, does more than its share of determining the party myth.

All of these considerations matter because of their effect on the party myth. Most party myths are the product of tradition, intuition, expediency, and accident. Your chances of a successful party will increase if you give its myth some conscious, rational attention.

Start with the morals you would like your party myth to demonstrate. They should be ideals of, or at least morals favored by, everyone at the party. That way, their demonstration will be supported and enjoyed by all. A party myth with morals they do not care about will be boring. One with morals they dislike will be offensive. Not all parties are right for all people.

Some morals have widespread appeal and can in most cases serve as a starting point. Here are twelve. I am sure you can think of more.

The people around me are of my tribe. I am not alone.

I am alpha, a Somebody, not a Nobody, and I am worthy of love, attention, and respect.

I am free to be my ideal self.

The world is a place of abundance.

All the other members of my tribe are interesting and fun to be with.

Playing beats working.

Nothing is worth worrying about.

The path to transformation is through the group.

I energize the group and it energizes me.

Everyone likes me and cares about me.

There is no cause for fear of other people or situations.

I am free to safely reveal aspects of who I am that I normally keep hidden.

In addition to these general party morals you will have morals specific to your situation, such as “Warm summer nights are a lovely time to be outside”, or “Waltzing is magical”, or whatever are the delights of the special world your party will create. That world is brought into being by whatever demonstrates the morals that define it, so choose them with care.

Try to have everything in your party work toward the demonstration of one or more of the party’s morals. Anything that works against them, denying their validity, will negate part of the idealized world you are trying to create. Even that which is neutral will distract and dilute the effect. Does this mean that parties are all or nothing, that anything less than perfect is doomed to failure? Of course not. No party is perfect. It’s up to you to say at what point it’s good enough. Just be aware of the trade-offs you are making.

Look at the rest of your party myth. You have a set of characters, yourself and your guests. Who are they? What moral packages do they bring? Are they a combination of people who will enjoy being in the presence of the demonstration of this party’s morals? Are they all people in whose presence such demonstration is possible? Are they able and willing to have their myths go in that direction? The party also needs action. What will these people do (what will you lead them to do, what situation will facilitate their doing) to demonstrate the party morals? Effective answers to these questions skillfully carried out will give you a good party.

It is easier to get the party myth to happen for the group if the guests are involved in some kind of group activity. Games, eating, drug use, and dancing are all common, but they are not the only options. It is better if the activity involves much interpersonal interaction, so that the guests all participate in the same myth, rather than interacting solo or in small groups in a number of similar, or worse, disparate or contradictory myths. Bring the people mythically together in a way that they enjoy. Keep the party moving, but let it evolve at its own pace.

A common characteristic of party activity is an increase in feelings of alpha by the guests. Most people enjoy feeling alpha enhanced, so activities that further that end are popular. Productive work is rare at parties. Instead, people play. They dress up to appear more alpha and try to be witty and charming and sound intelligent, all alpha moves. People eat and drink fancier refreshments than they consume in everyday life. A party is a version of an idealized existence, and people who live ideals are seen as alpha. The host should choose the activities for the party with the alpha standards of the guests in mind.

Planning and preparing for the party involves work and thought, trying to make the party be what you want. Yet when the party is rolling along, it will take on a life of its own and never exactly follow your plan. Guide the party, do not force it. Let the party evolve into its own magical self. Remember that parties are a time of play. Enjoy.